A Year of Miracles

Have you ever bought the perfect gift for someone and were so excited to give it to them but knew you had to wait for the right time, such as their birthday or Christmas? This is how I imagine God this time last year as Adam and I waited for a baby. Little did we know as we entered into 2013 how close we were to Hope coming into our lives. She was only a couple of months away. I imagine God in Heaven with an excited smile waiting to give us His perfect gift. We have been so blessed. I couldn't help thinking this over and over this holiday season. And with this thought, were many moments of happy tears. My heart has been overflowing. I have been cherishing my time with Hope, especially as I rock her to sleep. That, lately, has been my quiet time; my time to pray and talk to God. I love how when I start singing Amazing Grace to her, she looks up at me and smiles. (It's what I have been singing to her since she came home.) I love how she gets excited when we read together, and I just pray that each time I read from her baby Bible, that the words even now are piercing her tiny heart. How I have loved my time in that glider, staring at this sweet baby...our miracle...and praising God continuously. He is faithful. He is gracious. And I am so humbled.
I remember back in May, when Hope was just about 2 months old, she was going through a hard time with eating. She was so colicky and I was beyond sleep deprived. It was about 1AM and I was trying to rock her to sleep. I just started praying. God reminded me of life before Hope. How I would give anything to have a sleepless night if it meant I could rock a baby. How I would give anything to hear a baby cry in our home. (Only those who have waited/are waiting so long for a baby would understand these crazy prayers:) Anyway, I remember praying "Don't let me forget. Help me to still feel the pain." I know, crazy. But I don't want to forget how I felt before Hope. I certainly don't dwell on it, but to still feel some of that pain deepens my love for Hope and reminds me of what a miracle she is. It also helps me to pray fervently for women who are still waiting for their baby whether it's through adoption, foster care, or pregnancy. (Ladies, you know who you are and I am praying in my glider :)
As I look back on 2013, I see miracles surrounding me~ my miracle through adoption and my miracle through pregnancy even if it was for just a short time. I do still feel sadness as I look at the ultrasound picture from time to time. But the sadness doesn't define me anymore. I am thankful for God's deliverance and for people He put in my life to literally pray us through that time. For the past few years, I have chosen a word for the new year. My word for 2013 was "mission". Little did I know what mission God had for me. It's amazing how He works:) 
For 2014, I have chosen the word "wholehearted". Since November, I have been struggling with what this actually entails...to wholeheartedly follow Jesus. God has been working on my heart to loosen the grips of pride, time, and comfort that have taken a stake in me. I am excited to study the verse Mark 12:30 "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.", as well as read through the Chronological Bible throughout 2014. 
As God begins a new story for each of us this year, Adam and I continue to thank Him for each of you. You have played a part in our miracles of 2013 and we are forever grateful. Our prayer is that through each of these miracles, you have seen the goodness of Jesus and have seen the grace and love that only He can offer.
Happy 2014! We love you.

Life Lately

It has been so long since I have updated this blog..as you can imagine, life has been extremely busy! Hope is now almost 6 months old. I can't even believe it! It still seems like we were just sitting on our couch trying to figure out how we were going to get to Indiana that night for her birth!
I know Adam and I can't even imagine our lives without Hope. The joy she has brought to our home is more than we ever expected. Hope is one happy little girl. She lights up a room with her big open mouth smile. She loves to make noises and has mastered the art of screaming. She is attempting to crawl (Lord help us!) but right now she is more planking than anything. :) We are so blessed by her. Not a day goes by where we aren't reminded of how much a miracle she is. We are in love with this little girl.
My biggest joy over the last couple of weeks has been that I have left my job and am now staying home full time! I am not sure how long I will be able to go without working at all, but for right now, I am enjoying spending my days with Hope. Eventually I will look for a part time job, but Adam and I are figuring out ways to save money so hopefully I won't have to. I am so thankful to God for this opportunity. I don't take it for granted. If this were about 5 years ago, there would have been no way that this would be possible! But I do believe God had been helping us get to this point.
But with all of the happiness, life still goes on and there are still trials. I've debated about sharing this but am hoping that through our circumstances someone will be encouraged through their own hurting. In the middle of August, Adam and I were celebrating~ I had just found out I was pregnant! You can believe the shock and amazement that went along with it. Another miracle baby. This baby that we never thought could be was actually a reality. Adam and I spent many days laughing..What the heck were we going to do with 2 babies under 1 years old?? But we were thrilled and praising God for His mercy.
We went in for an ultrasound and was able to see the heart beating. The nurse said the baby was only measuring to be around 6 weeks. I thought that that was off, because I thought I was at least 7 or 8 weeks along, but I wasn't sure of my dates. She scheduled me to come back the next week for another ultrasound. When the nurse started the ultrasound, I saw her face out of the corner of my eye and I knew. She told me that the baby had lost its' heartbeat and had never continued to grow past 6 weeks. I met with the doctor right afterwards and she gave me some options. I decided that I wanted to try to miscarry naturally so we scheduled for me to come back the next week to see how I was.
The last 2 weeks I have been dealing with a lot of anger towards God. I didn't ask for this baby and was finally at a place where I was completely content with thinking I would never get pregnant. But yet, why would He allow me to experience all of this happiness and take it away so quickly? I have no clue. But I fought Him hard on it. But every time I would tell Him how angry I was, Hope happened to be in the room with me. And I knew. I knew I couldn't deny how amazingly good He is, how amazingly faithful He was as I look at Hope. He has blessed us beyond measure with Hope. But the anger was still there. The frustration was there. It was definitely a battle between what my mind wanted to think and what my heart knew to be Truth. I wanted my mind to win..that way I could be angry and blame God.
This past week, the miscarriage still had not happened, so I went in to the doctor and she stated another option was to take a medication that would induce it to happen. I decided to do that. This past Saturday night I took it. I am so thankful Adam was home. The side effects were far worse than what had been explained to me. I couldn't move off of the kitchen floor and Adam just sat with me and literally prayed us through that night. I am so blessed by him!
Over the last couple of days, my anger is slowly slipping away. I literally see God's goodness when I look at Hope. It is undeniable. And He has reminded me again that He is a God of miracles! There is a tiny baby in Heaven that is proof.
Yesterday I was cooking dinner and listening to Pandora. Every song that came on was about God's grace. It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I feel like Grace is what has kept my life together, my marriage, and my sweet little family.

 

"His grace is enough."

 

"Like a flood, His mercy reigns.

Unending love, amazing grace."

 

Right now, I am choosing joy. Not happiness...because that is so temporary and based on feelings. But joy, despite my sadness (which I am still battling) ..because I know how faithful God is.

 

^"2 Dear brothers and sisters,^[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4



Mother's Day Weekend

What a happy weekend it was! The celebration started on Saturday with a family baby shower that my parents hosted. It was a wonderful time for our extended family to  all come together and celebrate Hope's arrival to our family. We had such a wonderful afternoon introducing Hope to everyone. She was quite the celebrity, as you can imagine! It didn't take much for me or my dad to get a teeny bit emotional. I wish you all could have heard him speak about the blessing Hope is. :)Thank you, Mom and Dad, for a beautiful day!

My mom and grandfather. I love how enamored he is over Hope. :)

It was so wonderful to see Adam's sister Amanda and niece Mackenzie!Love them!

My lovely mother in law. Susie, and sister in law, Vanessa

 

 

 

Correne has been a faithful prayer warrior. She shared with me that, several months ago,
she started to pray specifically that our baby would arrive before Mother's Day. :)

Kelly (right) has been my little sister for 20+years. (Maybe almost 30?!?)
 So overjoyed to see her and her mom, Nancy!

 

Leading up to Mother's Day, I would think about it every so often and would feel a twinge of anxiety about it, like I would in years past. I don't know why. So I asked Adam if we could go out in the morning for breakfast, just the 3 of us and spend time together. We had a great morning. Adam surprised me with a butterfly necklace from Tiffany's. Before I knew what it was, I saw the infamous blue box and started to cry. And of course, when I saw the necklace, the tears continued to come. We had sent Tami a similar necklace that we picked out at the mall a couple of weeks back. I had enclosed a card to explain the symbol of the butterfly and why it was so special to me. (click here for the post on butterflies.) I am so blessed with such a sweet and thoughtful husband. So very blessed.

Of course, my heart was on Tami all day. Here I was celebrating this beautiful baby that she is living without. I couldn't stop thanking the Lord for this precious gift, not only in Hope but in Tami. I had spoken with her a few days prior and I wish each of you could hear the happiness and joy in her voice as I told her how Hope was and what we were doing with her. I know that there is peace in knowing Hope is loved and cared for, despite the pain that is still in her heart. We set up a private Facebook page that is just for the 4 of us, so we could post pictures frequently. It is such a wonderful way to communicate! Tami messaged me to wish me a happy Mother's Day, which made me so happy. I told her that not only did we celebrate Hope, but her as well. Tami replied that all she asks is that we take good care of her little girl. When I promised her that we will love her beyond measure, she responded "I know you will...that's why I chose you." I am excited to see how God continues to grow our relationship throughout the years to come. My prayer is that she will continue to see Jesus in us and that her heart will be pointed to Him. And, my prayer over Hope is that she will grow to understand how much Tami loves her. I am blessed to share the title of  "Mother" with Tami. We are mothers to her in different ways, yet mothers nonetheless. This quote below encapsulates the whole idea of adoption so beautifully:

 

 

I also just want to say thank you to so many of you who made this day extra special for me. I was so touched by all the texts, phone calls, messages, cards and gifts that I received! I am humbled that so many of you thought of me! You have been instrumental over these last couple of years~your prayers and encouragement mean more than you could ever know! THANK YOU!!!!

 

Hope~ I am so blessed that God chose me to be your Mommy. My heart is overflowing with love for you. I love you, my sweet little butterfly.

 

 

 



 

 



Butterflies

Before Hope arrived, some would ask if we had a theme picked out for our nursery. To be honest, it was one thing I couldn't quite wrap my mind around. We were so busy doing other things, such as paperwork and making profiles, etc. that putting together the nursery was at the bottom of the list. I also am so not a girl when it comes to that. Decorating is so not my thing and I didn't really care too much about it. The only thing I knew is that I would want it to have some significance as this baby was going to be a miracle and a special gift.

The Saturday before we met Hope (and still waiting to hear if we would be chosen by this family), we were at Babies R Us picking up a car seat and stroller, just in case we would be on our way to meet this sweet baby. While walking around, we saw some bedding that had butterflies on it and Adam asked "What about butterflies for the nursery?" It was then I knew that it was perfect. About a year ago, when we switched over to the domestic adoption program, I haphazardly started looking up birth mother blogs to read about adoption from their perspective. It was the best thing I could have done as I read about their experiences. It helped me to pray for the woman Adam and I would be matched with. While I was clicking through blog after blog, I came across one particular blog of a woman who had made an adoption plan for her daughter. The love this mother had for her daughter just radiated through her writing. I also felt her pain as she made the hardest decision of her life. She described her daughter as a butterfly; this baby she loved so much that she knew she had to let her fly away to begin a new life. It didn't mean she loved her less, but I believe it means she loved her deeply.

And so it is with Hope. Tami and Joe's beautiful butterfly who flew into our lives by only God's grace and by His miracle. I also think of how it represents the story God is writing in each of our lives. Each season is used to allow us to grow. Sometimes we feel so secluded and confined, not knowing how God could ever make anything beautiful out of our cocooned life. But then it happens. It is time. Time for God to show His glory...beauty that only He can show through our lives. Time for us to burst through for a new beginning. Like a dear friend said in an e-mail while we were on our way to pick up Hope, "The stories God writes are always beautiful." (Thank you, Wendy Emberly:)

 

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Happy 1st month!

April 28th marked Hope's 1 month birthday. We cannot believe that over a month has gone by! It feels like Hope has been here with us forever, yet it feels like we just got home yesterday from Indiana. We know that the time will continue to pass us by more quickly than we care to imagine.

I feel like we have adjusted to parenthood well. Hope is a really good baby. She is very alert, loves to stretch, kick, and punch after her nap times. She is starting to notice toys on her activity mat (Thank you, Mom and Dad!) and is starting to bat at them with her hands.

 

Hope smiles and laughs a lot in her sleep which makes us so happy. Adam and I still just stare at her, not believing that she is really our daughter. We continue to be amazed at the blessings God has showered us with. It is so hard to believe that Hope is here and our family is finally together.

 

 

 

Hope has adjusted fairly well to sleeping, which we are so happy about:) (Or, better put, WE have adjusted fairly well to HER sleep schedule:) We definitely have our sleep deprived nights/days, but overall it has been OK! Usually after her early morning feeding, she comes into bed with us and cuddles. She loves to scrunch up in a ball and fall asleep on us. We are enjoying every moment of that. We can't kiss her and hold her enough!

We just sent our first update in to Hope's birth parents. We put together a small album and wrote a letter of how Hope is doing. Our prayer is that our pictures will bring them comfort and that they will see how loved Hope is by us and all of you.
I am loving every second of being home. During the day, we take walks, read stories, and sing. I love to sing "Amazing Grace" to her and I think she is starting to recognize it. A lot of the times when I start to sing it she stops moving and stares up at me. So sweet. My favorite verse of that song is :

 

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.

 

 This usually results in tears in my eyes as I stare at Hope. She is His goodness personified. We didn't know her face for so long, yet we knew she was there, growing in our hearts.. we trusted that God's goodness was there. There were hard days, there were good days. Many of those days we had to purposefully choose to believe God's promises, despite how sad or angry we were. Because despite those feelings, we knew that God was good all the time and knew that everything He does was perfect. I don't know what each of you is praying for or waiting for. But I do encourage you to claim one of God's promises and cling to it, pray over it, meditate on it. Soon it will become ingrained in your heart that it will be second nature to pray over during those tough days. One of the first passages that I chose when we started our adoption was Psalm 33:20-22:

 

²⁰ We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

²² Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,

for our hope is in you alone.

 

 

As we look at Hope, we see God's hope. His overflowing goodness; His unending faithfulness. And as we spend each precious moment with her, we are constantly reminded that God is our only source of strength..our true, living hope.

 



 

 



 





 



Our Story of Hope Part 2: The Ultimate Sacrifice

When our adoption plans changed from international to domestic, I knew God had more in store for us than just having a baby. Adam and I both felt early on a burden for the mother who would be making us parents. I remember many nights feeling like she was so close. The burden would be so heavy I would often fall asleep wondering about her. And looking back on it, when we did decide on a domestic adoption, Hope was very close to being conceived.
As we continued on in the process, our ultimate desire was to have as good of a relationship with her as possible. Of course, every situation is different, but our prayers focused on being able to have a positive connection with this amazing woman.
Little did we know how amazingly God would answer our prayers. Far more than we could ever imagine. We are blessed to be matched with both Hope's parents, which hardly ever happens. And they are the most beautiful people we know. We are remaining firm with keeping their reason for adoption private as well as their pictures, so we kindly ask that you not press us for that information. The reason doesn't matter. But I will tell you this: love is why they chose adoption. The love they have for Hope runs so deep that they couldn't think of a more beautiful plan for her life other than adoption. Can you imagine loving someone so much that you know letting them go was the best way you could love that person? It just amazes me. I am reminded that this is how God loved us. He literally sacrificed Jesus, watched Him bear all of our sins and ugliness, and die a despicable death. All because He loved you and me so much. Redeeming love. I will never be able to wrap my mind around that, just as I will not be able to wrap my mind on the love Tami and Joe have for sweet Hope.
In the short time we had with Tami and Joe, we grew to love them so much. Our family increased by 3, not just 1. Saying goodbye to them both in the hospital was the hardest day for Adam and I. I remember Tami and I just hugging each other and she said "All I ask is that you love her completely." I remember these words often each day. As I'm changing her, as I get up late at night to feed her, as she falls asleep in my arms. There is nothing we could ever do to repay them for this beautiful gift, except to love her completely.
God isn't done with our story and with our friendship with Tami and Joe. Actually, I feel like it is just beginning. We have an open adoption and they have our phone number so we are able to have communication whenever we want. After last week's bombings in Boston, both of them called a couple of times just to check in to see if we were OK. Tami and I ended up talking for well over an hour. She was able to laugh at the funny things Hope does, was excited to hear how our families have received her and wanted to know when she was going to church for the first time. Our prayer is that this relationship continues to deepen and that through all of this, they will be pointed to Jesus.
How blessed is Hope to have 2 mothers and 2 fathers who love her deeply. Tami wrote to us, "Always let her know that we love her, but she was meant to be with you...I knew after laying eyes on you, that God sent you to me just for {Hope}."
There are no words.

 

 

 

 

 

Our Story of Hope Part 1: We are matched; Hope is here!

I never could have imagined Hope's birth story to be so beautiful, so emotional, and so filled with love. As I write this, I still can't believe that I have been blessed to be a mother to such a miracle.

Long story short, we never should have even been matched with Tami and Joe, Hope's birth parents. They happened to reach out to a different agency in Massachusetts to talk about an adoption plan. Tami told us that she had no idea that the agency was in Massachusetts but felt the most comfortable with them because of how kind they were to her. But because the agency was in Mass and Tami and Joe were in Indiana they needed to be represented by someone in Indiana. So they contacted Kirsh and Kirsh (our placement agency). During that time, we were then contacted by Wide Horizons, asking if they could show our profile to a potential family. Of course we said "yes" right away, but said we were under contract with our agency in Indiana and couldn't afford to lose any money. We got an e-mail back from Wide Horizons the next day stating that this family is actually working with our agency and that we should contact them immediately. The rest is history.

3 weeks ago Friday we received a call from our lawyer and he asked if were still interested in this family and we said yes! He was happy because Tami was ready to have the baby SOON! The next Monday we were on the phone with Tami and Joe, 2 of the most beautiful people we will ever have the chance of meeting. Adam and I were so nervous before calling. We prayed before hand and Adam said "Please God, don't let us sound like idiots." Ha :) It was awkward at first, but we clicked right away. The conversation was as easy as it could be considering the weight of what each of us were discussing. There were moments when I could sense in their voice their sadness, their grief. But overall, they were so confident that in the decision that they were making and knew that adoption was the right choice. We entered this phone call thinking that Tami and Joe were going to want to interview us, more or less, to see if we would be the right parents for their daughter. But as the conversation went on, Tami said to us that they had already chosen us and their baby would soon be our daughter. To hear those words "We've chosen you" after all this time was so surreal. It was really happening. God had finally brought us together and our baby was going to be here probably by Saturday.

Adam and I began to make plans to head out to Indiana for Saturday. We prepared our jobs that we would be taking time off and that Wednesday was going to be my last day of work for 3 months. Well, as we were leaving work on Wednesday, we got an e-mail from our attorney stating that Tami was being admitted into the hospital that night and was going to be induced. Slight panic set in as we knew that Tami and Joe wanted us to be there for the birth and started to feel a teeny bit anxious that we would be parents by the end of the night.

At 6:30PM, we were on our couch booking a flight out to Chicago. At 9PM we were on a flight out of Boston heading to Chicago and preparing for the 3 hour drive to Indiana. Adam calls this our own version of "The Amazing Race." It absolutely was! When we landed in Chicago, Tami called me and was dying to know where we we were. We told we still needed to drive 3 hours. We would probably arrive in Indiana around 2:30AM. She thought we might make it for Hope's arrival, but at that point she was already 4cm dilated. At 1:45AM, Joe called us and put us on speaker phone. In the background, we heard Hope crying as she was getting cleaned up. She made her entrance at 1:29AM. The thoughtfulness of Tami and Joe to call us at that moment still brings tears to my eyes. They wanted us included in every detail. In retrospect, we are so happy that we were not there right when Hope was born. Tami and Joe had over an hour to be with her, take pictures, and just spend time with her. I am so happy that they had that special time before we arrived.

At 2:30AM we arrived at the hospital. We were exhausted, still in the day before's work clothes, and trying to process about what was about to occur. We still couldn't believe we were about to meet Hope after 2 years of praying for her. No one could have prepared us for the emotions that set in. Not only are we about to meet Hope, but we were now face to face with her parents who are about to make the ultimate sacrifice. My heart was so full. When we walked into the hospital room, Tami was wide awake and said, "It's about time you got here!" Ha:) We loved her instantly. Adam and I just followed their lead. Hope was not technically our daughter yet, so we wanted to respect that. Joe led us right over to Hope and left us alone with her for just a few minutes. Adam and I couldn't stop crying or staring. She was just beautiful. We then walked over to Tami and sat with her. We had about an hour with both Tami and Joe to get to know them and chat. This is something I truly treasure. After about 1/2 hour, Joe came over with Hope and said "You have to hold her." There are no words to describe those first moments and I pray I never forget them. At the same time tho, I was trying to control my excitement because here I was sitting next to Tami who just gave birth to this beautiful baby who would not be going home with her. I will never be able to imagine that grief and what she must have been feeling during those moments.

 

 

The hospital had a room set up for us a few doors down from Tami. As we were getting ready to get settled, Joe wheeled Hope's bassinet over to us and told us that they wanted us to care for her from the beginning. What a gift!

On March 28, 2013 our lives forever changed when Hope Cassadie Evelyn appeared.

Our God is the God of miracles and is the God that makes the impossible possible. Adoption is the most beautiful gift I have ever experienced. I am amazed by how God works everything together for our good and weaves together every detail. As I look at Hope, I can't imagine any other baby more perfect for us. Adam and I are humbled by how God has blessed us, how He has allowed us to experience adoption, and how He has created our family. Nothing could be more beautiful than the way God works.