Reflections Part 2: Celebrating life

Life. I started writing this post almost 3 months ago. We have been busy, to say the least. I'm not going to change any of it. I am on a time crunch...trying to squeeze this post in while Hope finishes up her nap :)




About a month ago, I was looking through my calendar on my phone and came across April 13th: "My due date". I have no idea when I put that in there but it caught me off guard for a second. A little bit of sadness came because how I pray that Hope someday and somehow can be a big sister. But as quickly as it came the sadness quickly left. In that moment God showed me that He is the God of details and sees our hearts and I truly believe orchestrates events to show His compassion on us. Just a few days before I had seen this in my phone, Adam and I had picked April 12th to celebrate Hope's 1st birthday at a butterfly garden. So instead of dwelling on "what could have been", He had it all planned that we would be celebrating the miracle of Hope and the faithfulness that God has shown us this past year. I continue to be amazed at how faithful He has been to us and how much He loves us.

We have such a compassionate God. As we walked with Hope looking at butterflies (well, she more screamed then looked at them happily:) I thanked God for the one who flew into our lives forever and the one who flew away. Both such amazing signs of His miracles. I am so thankful.
Another God-orchestrated event this week has been the opportunity I have had to participate in "40 Days For Life". For the past 40 days, people all over the world have been peacefully praying outside of local abortion clinics for these women in crisis. I found out that there is a clinic about 7 minutes from my house, so Hope and I have been making the trek over there to just pray. Fridays are the day the doctor comes in to perform the procedures and I saw many women and men walk through the doors to make their decision final. Beyond heartbreaking. I often times would look down at Hope and thank God for her mom choosing life for her. And then my heart would break for these young women who think this is the only option for them. (Side note: I do not mention this to spring a debate about pro-life vs. pro choice. So, please no negative comments. Thanks.)
So not only have we celebrated life but we have prayed for the lives of women in crisis and their unborn babies. It has been a full week, but I am beyond blessed.
I share these 2 stories only to encourage those who are hurting and feel God has forgotten them. I hope this encourages you in a small way to see how God is invested in the tiniest details of our lives and desires to show His loving kindness to us.


Fast forward to today, July 1. Hope is 15 months old and active, active, active. She keeps us very busy. Her personality is quickly developing and she is such a joy. She loves to read out loud, loves music, loves to throw her food, and loves to hug her Curious George. I still can't believe God chose us to raise her.


And God continues to grow and develop me. Right now I am in a stretching stage. He has been burdening me with writing more and developing a book about our adoption, our waiting, and how our faith sustained us. So, since about February I have been slowly working on it as time allows. I am thankful for the 10-12 prayer journals I have kept over the last 12 years that will pretty much write this book for me. It has been a time of great reflection for me. A time to see where we started and to see the finish. I am not the same person that I was when I said "I do" in 2002 and I am definitely not the same person that I was when we started our journey to Hope in 2011. Thank God. I was reading this morning in Psalm 119. Verses 71-72 jumped out at me:

"My suffering was good for me

for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.

Your instructions are more valuable to me

than millions in gold and silver."

And it's true. It was hard. But it was necessary. And it was ultimately good. I was brought to a place where I could only rely on the goodness of God's promises. It's not an easy place to be. But it is the safest and most secure. 

Reflections Part 1: Adoption

So many of you have been asking how life is: asking about adoption, life as a mother, and how I have been feeling since our miscarriage. So I thought I would do 3 separate posts. It was going to be 1..but was waaayyyy too long. :)

Adoption:
As most of you know, our adoption with Hope's birth family is open. This means we have unlimited contact with them. We have chosen to give them our phone number so they can call any time to hear how Hope is. We continue to update our private Facebook page on a weekly basis so they can see Hope grow. For Christmas, we made a scrapbook of each month since her birth so they have something special for her.
We have also skyped with them so they got to see Hope 'live". That was such a joy.
We wouldn't have it any other way. We are so comfortable with them. They are our family! What a gift to them as well as to Hope. It brings me so much happiness knowing that she will grow up knowing her birth family. When she is old enough, it will be her ultimate choice to decide what she wants to do with that. But my prayer is that by her being brought up with knowing them, she will continue to want to foster that relationship.
One thing I had been dealing with is guilt. Guilt of being overjoyed with Hope, while Tami has been grieving. Guilt of taking her daughter, even tho I know she chose us to raise Hope. It started the moment we said goodbye to Tami and Joe in the hospital. I almost told her I couldn't do it. My heart broke for her. Tami and I hugged each other for so long, I am pretty sure neither of us wanted to let go. Phone conversations for me after that were initially awkward. I struggled with sounding excited about Hope, struggled with calling myself her Mom, etc. I am so thankful for some friends who are adoptive moms who said this is normal. It has gotten so much better for me. Tami loves to see Hope with us...it brings her so much comfort in knowing how loved Hope is.
Many of you have asked how Tami is doing. That is one thing I can't bring myself to ask. I can't know because of this guilt I had been battling with that I just shared about. It seems, from what I can tell, her grief has eased. But let's be honest, this is something that she will think about every day. Our conversations are always upbeat..we talk like we have been friends for a long time. So, I just leave it at that. I pray constantly that she has a support network around her.
One amazing answer to prayer is that long before we were matched, I had been praying for whoever this lovely woman would be. My heart's prayer was that she would be surrounded by someone..anyone...who could pray for her and give her the comfort that only Jesus can bring. Come to find out, 2 of Tami's relatives are strong Christians! (At least from what I can tell and what small interaction I have had with them.) And I know they have reached out to Tami (as she has allowed) to tell her about Jesus. What an answer to prayer!Some have asked when we will tell Hope about her family. Well, it is always part of our conversation. On occasion, I show Hope pictures of her birth family and say their names. I will start doing this more often now that she is alert and pays attention to everything. We want her to now them, to know how much she is loved by them, and to know that she has 2 sets of parents that care for her deeply.
Adoption has been nothing short of a miracle for us. And the blessing of having an open relationship with Hope's family is just beautiful. We are so grateful and humbled by God's faithfulness to us. He is the God of the impossible and makes all things beautiful in His time. We given Him all the glory.

A Year of Miracles

Have you ever bought the perfect gift for someone and were so excited to give it to them but knew you had to wait for the right time, such as their birthday or Christmas? This is how I imagine God this time last year as Adam and I waited for a baby. Little did we know as we entered into 2013 how close we were to Hope coming into our lives. She was only a couple of months away. I imagine God in Heaven with an excited smile waiting to give us His perfect gift. We have been so blessed. I couldn't help thinking this over and over this holiday season. And with this thought, were many moments of happy tears. My heart has been overflowing. I have been cherishing my time with Hope, especially as I rock her to sleep. That, lately, has been my quiet time; my time to pray and talk to God. I love how when I start singing Amazing Grace to her, she looks up at me and smiles. (It's what I have been singing to her since she came home.) I love how she gets excited when we read together, and I just pray that each time I read from her baby Bible, that the words even now are piercing her tiny heart. How I have loved my time in that glider, staring at this sweet baby...our miracle...and praising God continuously. He is faithful. He is gracious. And I am so humbled.
I remember back in May, when Hope was just about 2 months old, she was going through a hard time with eating. She was so colicky and I was beyond sleep deprived. It was about 1AM and I was trying to rock her to sleep. I just started praying. God reminded me of life before Hope. How I would give anything to have a sleepless night if it meant I could rock a baby. How I would give anything to hear a baby cry in our home. (Only those who have waited/are waiting so long for a baby would understand these crazy prayers:) Anyway, I remember praying "Don't let me forget. Help me to still feel the pain." I know, crazy. But I don't want to forget how I felt before Hope. I certainly don't dwell on it, but to still feel some of that pain deepens my love for Hope and reminds me of what a miracle she is. It also helps me to pray fervently for women who are still waiting for their baby whether it's through adoption, foster care, or pregnancy. (Ladies, you know who you are and I am praying in my glider :)
As I look back on 2013, I see miracles surrounding me~ my miracle through adoption and my miracle through pregnancy even if it was for just a short time. I do still feel sadness as I look at the ultrasound picture from time to time. But the sadness doesn't define me anymore. I am thankful for God's deliverance and for people He put in my life to literally pray us through that time. For the past few years, I have chosen a word for the new year. My word for 2013 was "mission". Little did I know what mission God had for me. It's amazing how He works:) 
For 2014, I have chosen the word "wholehearted". Since November, I have been struggling with what this actually entails...to wholeheartedly follow Jesus. God has been working on my heart to loosen the grips of pride, time, and comfort that have taken a stake in me. I am excited to study the verse Mark 12:30 "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.", as well as read through the Chronological Bible throughout 2014. 
As God begins a new story for each of us this year, Adam and I continue to thank Him for each of you. You have played a part in our miracles of 2013 and we are forever grateful. Our prayer is that through each of these miracles, you have seen the goodness of Jesus and have seen the grace and love that only He can offer.
Happy 2014! We love you.