Butterflies

Before Hope arrived, some would ask if we had a theme picked out for our nursery. To be honest, it was one thing I couldn't quite wrap my mind around. We were so busy doing other things, such as paperwork and making profiles, etc. that putting together the nursery was at the bottom of the list. I also am so not a girl when it comes to that. Decorating is so not my thing and I didn't really care too much about it. The only thing I knew is that I would want it to have some significance as this baby was going to be a miracle and a special gift.

The Saturday before we met Hope (and still waiting to hear if we would be chosen by this family), we were at Babies R Us picking up a car seat and stroller, just in case we would be on our way to meet this sweet baby. While walking around, we saw some bedding that had butterflies on it and Adam asked "What about butterflies for the nursery?" It was then I knew that it was perfect. About a year ago, when we switched over to the domestic adoption program, I haphazardly started looking up birth mother blogs to read about adoption from their perspective. It was the best thing I could have done as I read about their experiences. It helped me to pray for the woman Adam and I would be matched with. While I was clicking through blog after blog, I came across one particular blog of a woman who had made an adoption plan for her daughter. The love this mother had for her daughter just radiated through her writing. I also felt her pain as she made the hardest decision of her life. She described her daughter as a butterfly; this baby she loved so much that she knew she had to let her fly away to begin a new life. It didn't mean she loved her less, but I believe it means she loved her deeply.

And so it is with Hope. Tami and Joe's beautiful butterfly who flew into our lives by only God's grace and by His miracle. I also think of how it represents the story God is writing in each of our lives. Each season is used to allow us to grow. Sometimes we feel so secluded and confined, not knowing how God could ever make anything beautiful out of our cocooned life. But then it happens. It is time. Time for God to show His glory...beauty that only He can show through our lives. Time for us to burst through for a new beginning. Like a dear friend said in an e-mail while we were on our way to pick up Hope, "The stories God writes are always beautiful." (Thank you, Wendy Emberly:)

 

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Happy 1st month!

April 28th marked Hope's 1 month birthday. We cannot believe that over a month has gone by! It feels like Hope has been here with us forever, yet it feels like we just got home yesterday from Indiana. We know that the time will continue to pass us by more quickly than we care to imagine.

I feel like we have adjusted to parenthood well. Hope is a really good baby. She is very alert, loves to stretch, kick, and punch after her nap times. She is starting to notice toys on her activity mat (Thank you, Mom and Dad!) and is starting to bat at them with her hands.

 

Hope smiles and laughs a lot in her sleep which makes us so happy. Adam and I still just stare at her, not believing that she is really our daughter. We continue to be amazed at the blessings God has showered us with. It is so hard to believe that Hope is here and our family is finally together.

 

 

 

Hope has adjusted fairly well to sleeping, which we are so happy about:) (Or, better put, WE have adjusted fairly well to HER sleep schedule:) We definitely have our sleep deprived nights/days, but overall it has been OK! Usually after her early morning feeding, she comes into bed with us and cuddles. She loves to scrunch up in a ball and fall asleep on us. We are enjoying every moment of that. We can't kiss her and hold her enough!

We just sent our first update in to Hope's birth parents. We put together a small album and wrote a letter of how Hope is doing. Our prayer is that our pictures will bring them comfort and that they will see how loved Hope is by us and all of you.
I am loving every second of being home. During the day, we take walks, read stories, and sing. I love to sing "Amazing Grace" to her and I think she is starting to recognize it. A lot of the times when I start to sing it she stops moving and stares up at me. So sweet. My favorite verse of that song is :

 

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.

 

 This usually results in tears in my eyes as I stare at Hope. She is His goodness personified. We didn't know her face for so long, yet we knew she was there, growing in our hearts.. we trusted that God's goodness was there. There were hard days, there were good days. Many of those days we had to purposefully choose to believe God's promises, despite how sad or angry we were. Because despite those feelings, we knew that God was good all the time and knew that everything He does was perfect. I don't know what each of you is praying for or waiting for. But I do encourage you to claim one of God's promises and cling to it, pray over it, meditate on it. Soon it will become ingrained in your heart that it will be second nature to pray over during those tough days. One of the first passages that I chose when we started our adoption was Psalm 33:20-22:

 

²⁰ We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

²² Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,

for our hope is in you alone.

 

 

As we look at Hope, we see God's hope. His overflowing goodness; His unending faithfulness. And as we spend each precious moment with her, we are constantly reminded that God is our only source of strength..our true, living hope.

 



 

 



 





 



Our Story of Hope Part 2: The Ultimate Sacrifice

When our adoption plans changed from international to domestic, I knew God had more in store for us than just having a baby. Adam and I both felt early on a burden for the mother who would be making us parents. I remember many nights feeling like she was so close. The burden would be so heavy I would often fall asleep wondering about her. And looking back on it, when we did decide on a domestic adoption, Hope was very close to being conceived.
As we continued on in the process, our ultimate desire was to have as good of a relationship with her as possible. Of course, every situation is different, but our prayers focused on being able to have a positive connection with this amazing woman.
Little did we know how amazingly God would answer our prayers. Far more than we could ever imagine. We are blessed to be matched with both Hope's parents, which hardly ever happens. And they are the most beautiful people we know. We are remaining firm with keeping their reason for adoption private as well as their pictures, so we kindly ask that you not press us for that information. The reason doesn't matter. But I will tell you this: love is why they chose adoption. The love they have for Hope runs so deep that they couldn't think of a more beautiful plan for her life other than adoption. Can you imagine loving someone so much that you know letting them go was the best way you could love that person? It just amazes me. I am reminded that this is how God loved us. He literally sacrificed Jesus, watched Him bear all of our sins and ugliness, and die a despicable death. All because He loved you and me so much. Redeeming love. I will never be able to wrap my mind around that, just as I will not be able to wrap my mind on the love Tami and Joe have for sweet Hope.
In the short time we had with Tami and Joe, we grew to love them so much. Our family increased by 3, not just 1. Saying goodbye to them both in the hospital was the hardest day for Adam and I. I remember Tami and I just hugging each other and she said "All I ask is that you love her completely." I remember these words often each day. As I'm changing her, as I get up late at night to feed her, as she falls asleep in my arms. There is nothing we could ever do to repay them for this beautiful gift, except to love her completely.
God isn't done with our story and with our friendship with Tami and Joe. Actually, I feel like it is just beginning. We have an open adoption and they have our phone number so we are able to have communication whenever we want. After last week's bombings in Boston, both of them called a couple of times just to check in to see if we were OK. Tami and I ended up talking for well over an hour. She was able to laugh at the funny things Hope does, was excited to hear how our families have received her and wanted to know when she was going to church for the first time. Our prayer is that this relationship continues to deepen and that through all of this, they will be pointed to Jesus.
How blessed is Hope to have 2 mothers and 2 fathers who love her deeply. Tami wrote to us, "Always let her know that we love her, but she was meant to be with you...I knew after laying eyes on you, that God sent you to me just for {Hope}."
There are no words.

 

 

 

 

 

Our Story of Hope Part 1: We are matched; Hope is here!

I never could have imagined Hope's birth story to be so beautiful, so emotional, and so filled with love. As I write this, I still can't believe that I have been blessed to be a mother to such a miracle.

Long story short, we never should have even been matched with Tami and Joe, Hope's birth parents. They happened to reach out to a different agency in Massachusetts to talk about an adoption plan. Tami told us that she had no idea that the agency was in Massachusetts but felt the most comfortable with them because of how kind they were to her. But because the agency was in Mass and Tami and Joe were in Indiana they needed to be represented by someone in Indiana. So they contacted Kirsh and Kirsh (our placement agency). During that time, we were then contacted by Wide Horizons, asking if they could show our profile to a potential family. Of course we said "yes" right away, but said we were under contract with our agency in Indiana and couldn't afford to lose any money. We got an e-mail back from Wide Horizons the next day stating that this family is actually working with our agency and that we should contact them immediately. The rest is history.

3 weeks ago Friday we received a call from our lawyer and he asked if were still interested in this family and we said yes! He was happy because Tami was ready to have the baby SOON! The next Monday we were on the phone with Tami and Joe, 2 of the most beautiful people we will ever have the chance of meeting. Adam and I were so nervous before calling. We prayed before hand and Adam said "Please God, don't let us sound like idiots." Ha :) It was awkward at first, but we clicked right away. The conversation was as easy as it could be considering the weight of what each of us were discussing. There were moments when I could sense in their voice their sadness, their grief. But overall, they were so confident that in the decision that they were making and knew that adoption was the right choice. We entered this phone call thinking that Tami and Joe were going to want to interview us, more or less, to see if we would be the right parents for their daughter. But as the conversation went on, Tami said to us that they had already chosen us and their baby would soon be our daughter. To hear those words "We've chosen you" after all this time was so surreal. It was really happening. God had finally brought us together and our baby was going to be here probably by Saturday.

Adam and I began to make plans to head out to Indiana for Saturday. We prepared our jobs that we would be taking time off and that Wednesday was going to be my last day of work for 3 months. Well, as we were leaving work on Wednesday, we got an e-mail from our attorney stating that Tami was being admitted into the hospital that night and was going to be induced. Slight panic set in as we knew that Tami and Joe wanted us to be there for the birth and started to feel a teeny bit anxious that we would be parents by the end of the night.

At 6:30PM, we were on our couch booking a flight out to Chicago. At 9PM we were on a flight out of Boston heading to Chicago and preparing for the 3 hour drive to Indiana. Adam calls this our own version of "The Amazing Race." It absolutely was! When we landed in Chicago, Tami called me and was dying to know where we we were. We told we still needed to drive 3 hours. We would probably arrive in Indiana around 2:30AM. She thought we might make it for Hope's arrival, but at that point she was already 4cm dilated. At 1:45AM, Joe called us and put us on speaker phone. In the background, we heard Hope crying as she was getting cleaned up. She made her entrance at 1:29AM. The thoughtfulness of Tami and Joe to call us at that moment still brings tears to my eyes. They wanted us included in every detail. In retrospect, we are so happy that we were not there right when Hope was born. Tami and Joe had over an hour to be with her, take pictures, and just spend time with her. I am so happy that they had that special time before we arrived.

At 2:30AM we arrived at the hospital. We were exhausted, still in the day before's work clothes, and trying to process about what was about to occur. We still couldn't believe we were about to meet Hope after 2 years of praying for her. No one could have prepared us for the emotions that set in. Not only are we about to meet Hope, but we were now face to face with her parents who are about to make the ultimate sacrifice. My heart was so full. When we walked into the hospital room, Tami was wide awake and said, "It's about time you got here!" Ha:) We loved her instantly. Adam and I just followed their lead. Hope was not technically our daughter yet, so we wanted to respect that. Joe led us right over to Hope and left us alone with her for just a few minutes. Adam and I couldn't stop crying or staring. She was just beautiful. We then walked over to Tami and sat with her. We had about an hour with both Tami and Joe to get to know them and chat. This is something I truly treasure. After about 1/2 hour, Joe came over with Hope and said "You have to hold her." There are no words to describe those first moments and I pray I never forget them. At the same time tho, I was trying to control my excitement because here I was sitting next to Tami who just gave birth to this beautiful baby who would not be going home with her. I will never be able to imagine that grief and what she must have been feeling during those moments.

 

 

The hospital had a room set up for us a few doors down from Tami. As we were getting ready to get settled, Joe wheeled Hope's bassinet over to us and told us that they wanted us to care for her from the beginning. What a gift!

On March 28, 2013 our lives forever changed when Hope Cassadie Evelyn appeared.

Our God is the God of miracles and is the God that makes the impossible possible. Adoption is the most beautiful gift I have ever experienced. I am amazed by how God works everything together for our good and weaves together every detail. As I look at Hope, I can't imagine any other baby more perfect for us. Adam and I are humbled by how God has blessed us, how He has allowed us to experience adoption, and how He has created our family. Nothing could be more beautiful than the way God works.

Floating

Genesis 8:1a,3a-"But God remembered Noah...so the floodwaters gradually receded from the earth."

I often wish that God would give just a little more detail into the thoughts that the people of the Bible had. Such as Abraham. Wouldn't you love to know what was going through his head as he made the trek to sacrifice Isaac? Or how about the disciples? The Gospels tell us that when Jesus called them to follow Him, they immediately left, leaving family and jobs behind.

Noah is also one of those guys that I wish we could have more detail on. For several months, he was cooped up in the ark while the world's largest storm was barreling around him. As I read the above verses this morning, I wondered what Noah was thinking. Did he have days where he felt alone and that God had forgotten Him? Was he doubtful of God's protection? Did he wonder if he heard God's voice correctly?  I would have to think that at some point, yes, he did have those moments of uncertainty. After all, he was human. But God does leave that to our own speculation.


I wonder what Noah felt like for those 40 days, where the storm was at its' most intense period. I imagine it to be like a scene from "The Perfect Storm" except lasting for 40 full days. Have you gone through your own storm that seems like it will never end? With life kinda swirling around you and you are left..floating? I remember times of feeling this way. Feelings of anger, loneliness. I remember a specific morning of feeling like this and wondering if God even heard me. A few minutes after praying these thoughts out, my phone buzzed with a text. It was from an old co-worker who I hadn't spoken to in quite some time. She had been burdened to pray for me and wanted to check in to see what was going on. God's voice through a friend, answering me that He does in fact hear me. "But God remembered Noah..." And God remembered me. And He remembers you. And will continue to remember you.

But what I love about storms..they DO have an ending. Physical storms end as well as storms of life. After a storm, there is always some sort of stillness. People wait some time to emerge before whatever clean-up needs to happen. The stillness of waiting can last longer than we want it to or longer than we expect it to. The Bible states that the flood waters covered the earth for 5 months and took another approximately 3 months to start to go down. "So the floodwaters gradually receded from the earth..." How similar this is to life and the testings we go through. God often delivers us from our storm but into a waiting pool. A time of stillness and inactivity. A time where we are forced to sit. But as I have mentioned here, God is not a waster of time and uses periods of waiting to draw us even more closely to Him and to deepen our relationship with God.

And then, soon enough,  the olive branch appears. After Noah had waited these months for the water to die down, he released a dove. The first time, the dove returned right away because the ground was still covered. More waiting. But after the second time, the dove appeared with an olive branch, symbolizing that the waters are coming down. Dry ground is appearing. Did you know that there are olive branches surrounding us? Symbols of God's faithfulness of deliverance? Signs of Him working even though it may seem slow? They come in the form of words from friends or family; a verse that speaks directly to your heart; a person being burdened to pray for you. And the list can go on. Be persistent. Keep looking. God is speaking. Noah had to send out the dove 3 times before he knew his wait was over.

Before you know it, God's rainbow of promise will be revealed, symbolizing His forever faithfulness. It may not come in the time frame we hoped or in the way we had anticipated. There may be pain involved and overwhelming trials. But it will come if we choose to persevere. Because of Jesus, there is always hope.

Adoption Adventures: 2 Years (and counting) of Grace

I can't believe that it has been just over 2 years that we have been in our adoption process. I remember vividly Adam and I out having dinner and with tears in our eyes decided it was time to start the paperwork to having our family. These 2 years have been the hardest, most beautiful, slowest, and fastest 2 years of our lives.  2 years that have been  completely covered in grace.

An update:
We met with our social worker, Carol, who is in charge of our home study. She came out to our house to update any information that may have changed. It had been almost a year since we had seen her last, so we had a wonderful time catching up with her. We showed her the hope chest that my sister in law and brother gave us for Christmas 2 years ago and told her that we are getting ready to prepare for our nursery. She was very excited. We've had some opportunities to talk about faith and adoption with her and she said, "You are a couple who definitely lives by your principles."

We just spoke with our adoption agency in Indiana (who will be placing us with the baby) and Emily, who is in charge of matching us with moms, said that she just handed out our profile to a young lady yesterday. She was looking for a couple who was a Christian family. Emily isn't quite positive that this mom will choose an adoption plan as she has already spoken to 4 other families and is being very selective (which is a very good thing!), but you never know what will happen. Our profile may also be shown next week to another family as well! Our hopes are definitely not up about either of these families as we know the process can be extremely slow. But we are reassured that at least there are families reading about us:) Will you join us in praying for these 2 families?
Emily stated that she loves our profile and knows that someone will be drawn to it. She also told us that we are one of the very few couples who talked about our faith in our profile and many searching mothers are looking for a family of faith to raise their baby. Our conversation with her left us greatly encouraged and excited.

We know that as we get closer to being matched with a mother, everyone will be interested in her and her situation. Adam and I had a long conversation about this the other day and have decided to keep her story private. Our reason is that we feel our baby should be the first to know about her and want to protect him/her from finding something out before we were able to talk about it. Every mom's situation is different and we can't control certain choices that they make. We want everyone in our life to see her as we see her~ a woman who loves her baby so much that she is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. We don't want anything to jade that. Thank you in advance for respecting our privacy on this!

God's grace continues to cover us. We have learned :
* With God, there is no time wasted, even in waiting. He has used these 2 years to grow us as a couple, strengthen our faith, and grow in a deeper relationship with Him then we could have ever done otherwise. I am thankful for it. Really. Only because of Jesus can sadness turn into true joy and absolute contentment.

* God is our Protector. Yes, there have been some disappointments along the way. Our main one was when Moldova's adoption program closed. I know some of have said to us how "relieved" they were that we weren't adopting from an orphanage. But there was actually great sadness that came with our decision to pull out of it. Those were very hard weeks. We then talked about moving to the Russia program and had contemplated that for a bit. But, Russia's program is now closed. God's protection over us. We are so grateful.

* God is our Provider. We entered this 2 years ago with just enough money to get the process started. We knew for the rest, we literally had to come before God daily to ask for provision. We decided not to fund raise and just pray our way through it. Our faith has grown immensely because of this. God has placed so many people in our path that have covered us financially. We continue to be amazed.

I am praying over opportunities to do more writing and have been asked by a few different people if I would consider writing a book. I have recently been able to do some devotional writing for Proverbs 31 Ministries "Encouragement Cafe" and am leaning towards a devotional-style book geared for those in waiting. I think "Glued By Grace" will be the title, but who knows. Stay tuned. :) I am going to a writing conference sponsored by P31 Ministries this July and am so excited to get to meet some fabulous Christian women. I am so thankful for Adam. He is beyond supportive. He said "If God is calling you to it, you need to go, despite the cost." Love him. :)

We are blessed by each of you. Thanks so much for always checking in:)

Verse of Hope/Quick update

It has been awhile since I have given an update, so thought I would send out a quick one. There isn't much new news to share, just that we continue to wait on the list to be matched with a mom and her baby. Our profile has been shown to at at least one woman, but she chose another family. We were happy to at least know that our profile has been passed out! We are still fairly new to this waiting list, so we know that we probably won't be successfully matched until the end of this year, or a little after. The light is slowly showing at the end of this 2 year tunnel. :) We had to resubmit some of our paperwork as it expired (which is normal) and will be meeting with our social worker in March to update our homestudy.
Many of you have asked how we are feeling. The best way I can describe it is like a woman who is 9 months pregnant and just wants the baby OUT...that is how we are feeling :) We are READY. Ready for this little miracle to be here. Unlike a pregnant woman, tho, we don't have a due date. That is the hard part for us. So we continue to wait and pray. Praying especially for this young lady who God has chosen for us to be blessed by. If I look at our timeframe, she is more than likely entering her own time of crisis right now. Our paths will soon be crossing.
This past weekend, I have been thinking back over these last several years and all of the emotions God has graciously brought us through. And "grace" is the only word I can use to describe it. God's grace is in abundance and his mercies truly are new every morning. I am humbled by God's deliverance~ deliverance from pain and sadness and how He has replaced it with excitement and joy. Joy for how He has created us. Joy for how He has decided to form our family. And joy for the days we have left as just the two of us.
For those of you who are still waiting in what seems like a desert, I wanted to share some of God's promises that gave, and continue to give, me unending hope:

 

"Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.

Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.

These events will bring great honor to the Lord's name;

They will be an everlasting sign of His power and love."

Isaiah 55:13

 

"The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon,

as lovely as the Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.

There the Lord will display His glory, the splendor of our God.

With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,

and encourage those who have weak knees.

Springs will gush forth in the wilderness

and streams will water the wasteland.

Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.

They will enter Jerusalem singing,

crowned with everlasting joy.

Sorrow and mourning will disappear,

and they will be filled with joy and gladness."

excerpts from Isaiah 35